The Fugitive Moment

I guess it was 2010. It hardly seems possible. I was on vacation with my little family. I was supposed to be enjoying myself, enjoying the moment. Instead, I was awake in that dark hotel room, listening to my husband and son breathe, and crying.

I wanted another baby. I wanted one so badly I couldn't take it anymore. How many times had I wept like this while everyone else around me went on, like it didn't matter? Like they were getting answers to their prayers while I couldn't begin to make sense of mine?

Why wouldn't God want me to have more children? Wasn't that the work He wanted me to do? Be a mother?

"Yes," I told the darkness, "I know I already have one child. That should be enough. But I always thought there would be more. Am I not good enough of a person to care for more than one? Am I that bad of a mother?"

It was Satan's whispers at their most destructive, but I hadn't yet learned to not believe him. I hadn't yet learned to really trust God.

At long last I offered up a prayer of desperation. "Heavenly Father, I can't do this anymore. I can't bare not knowing when I'll have another child. I can't bare feeling like I'm failing you. Please. When? When will it happen?"

I felt a distinct impression that it would happen in October. Warmth rushed over me. My tears stopped. Hope sprang alive in my chest. October. Only three months. I could wait for that.

October came. I fully expected a miracle just around the corner. I will always remember being in the temple that month. The spirit drenched me. I'd never felt so close to my Savior.

And I didn't get pregnant. October passed, then November and December and another year, and another.

I cried alone many more nights. I doubted my ability to get personal revelation. I received Priesthood blessings. I read scriptures over and over. I tried to understand my faith. 

I got pregnant and lost the baby. 

I learned that answers are not always an ending of trial. Sometimes an answer is peace, or an out pouring of spiritual strength. I learned that I was not failing God. He still had work for me to do. I found courage and worth. I found my hands becoming God's in unexpected ways. I could trust Him. I could trust myself. I was strong and it surprised me quite a bit.

It's three years later. I'm sitting at my computer 38 weeks pregnant, waiting with anticipation for the arrival of my second child. I'm temped by impatience. I want to meet her! I want to hold her!

And then the words to a song roll through my head "The fugitive moment refuses to stay."

Three years ago, I though I'd reached the end of my waiting. I literally thought I couldn't do it any more. But like a blink those years passed, and everything in between only strengthened me.

Today, I looked up the words to "Come Let us Anew."

Come Let us Anew

1. Come, let us anew our journey pursue,
Roll round with the year,
And never stand still till the Master appear.
His adorable will let us gladly fulfill,
And our talents improve
By the patience of hope and the labor of love,
By the patience of hope and the labor of love.

2. Our life as a dream, our time as a stream
Glide swiftly away,
And the fugitive moment refuses to stay;
For the arrow is flown and the moments are gone.
The millennial year
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here,
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here.

3. Oh, that each in the day of His coming may say,
"I have fought my way thru;
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do."
Oh, that each from his Lord may receive the glad word:
"Well and faithfully done;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne." 

Text: Charles Wesley, 1707-1788
Music: Attr. to James Lucas, b. 1726 

Someday, I will read this post again and my baby will be grown. The future will change me, age me, and hopefully make me a better person. But it will all happen one moment at a time. I have today; one day in my journey. I will take it. I will make something of it.

Happy Birthday to the Blog (24 Things to Celebrate Online)

This month is the second year birthday of my blog. To celebrate, I've put together a list of 24 good things you can find online; one for each month the blog has been going. Some of these you'll have seen before, but I hope you find something to inspire you today. If you want to join the celebration, share something you are grateful for in the comments!
  1. "I Will Rise" with Alex Boye. (I listen to this song almost every day) 
  2. This is the cutest little picture and saying. If you don't have much time, this one will only take a second and it's worth it!
  3. Facebook Pages for General Authorities! (Scroll to bottom of the Article) 
  4. Brother Helping Little Sister(Video)
  5. This reminds me of Girls Camp ("CUPS" Video)
  6. Dairy Queen Employee and The Blind Customer (Article) 
  7. MADE (My New Favorite Sewing Website) 
  8. Love One Another (A Mormon Message that my sunbeams loved!)
  9. I Dig Pinterest  (What a great idea! This blog actually gives feedback on doing things that you pin!)
  10. Jordan McCollum's website! (This blog is packed with help for authors!)
  11. Taylor Swift and the Piano Guys . . . seriously, can it get any better than that? (Begin Again Video)
  12. Validation. Okay, this is a little longer, but so great! (And it has TJ Thyne from Bones.)
  13. BYU Vocal Point "Jump, Jive an' Wail." IN THE LIBRARY! (Video)
  14. Girls Get Easter Pranked with Live Animals. (I'm still laughing about this one.)
  15. In The Head of Al Fox (This is an amazing and inspiring blog!)
  16. Webcam 101 for Seniors (This is seriously so cute!)
  17. A new book release, Blackmoore by Julianne Donaldson, author of Edenbrooke. (This takes you straight to the amazon page because why wouldn't you want this? It's going on my Christmas list.)
  18. Utah Valley Family Adventures (Blog featuring one family's outings all over Utah. Great to find something to do with your family close to home, if you live in Utah.)
  19. Tonight You Belong to Me (Video of Little Girl and Her Dad Singing)
  20. Opportunities to Do Good ( Another great Mormon Message that reminds me of many similar experiences I've seen in my own neighborhoods and wards.)
  21. How to teach a child to tie their shoes!(Video)
  22. The Pioneer Woman Cooks (This blog not only has great recipes, but she has me laughing while I read them!)
  23. Elderly Couple at the Mayo Clinic (Video)
  24. Conference Link! (I love that all the sessions can be live streamed. It's this weekend, so don't miss it.)

Cover Reveal MOONLESS by Crystal Collier

I'm excited to share the cover reveal for author Crystal Collier's book MOONLESS. Crystal is a contributing author to A CIRCLE OF SISTERS. Read her guest post here. And now for the cover reveal and a bit about MOONLESS!

In the English society of 1768 where women are bred to marry, unattractive Alexia, just sixteen, believes she will end up alone. But on the county doorstep of a neighbor’s estate, she meets a man straight out of her nightmares, one whose blue eyes threaten to consume her whole world—especially later when she discovers him standing over her murdered host in the middle of the night.
Among the many things to change for her that evening are: her physical appearance—from ghastly to breathtaking, an epidemic of night terrors predicting the future, and the blue-eyed man’s unexpected infusion into her life. Not only do his appearances precede tragedies, but they’re echoed by the arrival of ravenous, black-robed wraiths on moonless nights.
Unable to decide whether he is one of these monsters or protecting her from them, she uncovers what her father has been concealing: truths about her own identity, about the blue-eyed man, and about love. After an attack close to home, Alexia realizes she cannot keep one foot in her old life and one in this new world. To protect her family she must either be sold into a loveless marriage, or escape with the man of her dreams and risk becoming one of the Soulless.

Praise for MOONLESS:
1. Bethany Kaczmarek, editor at A Little Red, Inc: MOONLESS is powerful, compelling, and packed with soul. MOONLESS is wonderful. So many threads, such rich backstory. Such amazing world-building. It was familiar England, yet always hinting at a sense of Otherness. Made me wonder if those things had really been there all along and I missed them.
2. Sharon Johnston, author of SLEEPER: Collier transports us to a time of elegance and mixes in supernatural splendor that gives goosebumps.
3. Tammy Mckee: I fell head over heels for the characters. The story itself was magnificent and the way Crystal writes is beyond that. I truly enjoyed every minute.
4. Rachel Hert, editor at Fantasy Editing: Moonless does a fantastic job building a complex world filled with a cast of characters that are individuals and stay in your memory. I highly recommend reading! Bio: Crystal, author of MOONLESS, is a former composer/writer for Black Diamond Productions. She can be found practicing her brother-induced ninja skills while teaching children or madly typing about fantastic and impossible creatures. She has lived from coast to coast and now calls Florida home with her creative husband, three littles, and “friend” (a.k.a. the zombie locked in her closet). Secretly, she dreams of world domination and a bottomless supply of cheese. You can find her on her blog and Facebook, or follow her on Twitter.